Would love some feedback - writing is not my strong suit! Here is my rough draft:
Write a personal statement introducing yourself, your goals, and your interests and achievements. Include your reasons for wanting to attend the radiology program. Also include a description of a real-life situation where your problem-solving skills and your critical thinking ability were demonstrated.
I want to be a radiographer because I possess the qualities it takes to be successful in this field. I am intelligent, I am highly motivated, I am tenacious and I am empathetic. I am a natural student and a lifelong learner. In addition to these qualities, I posses a strong desire to have a career that allows me to collaborate with other health professionals and assist in patient health and recovery.
A long road led me to choose Radiography as my route to a second career. After my graduation from the University of Colorado with a BS in Environmental Conservation and a certificate in Elementary Education, I began a successful career as a software designer and programmer. A few years later, I was blessed to meet my husband. We got married, had our first child and I was lucky enough to be able to stay home to raise my boy.
As I am not a person happy to sit back on her heels, I kept busy during this time at home running the office of my husband's Heating and Air Conditioning business. I was responsible for the marketing, the accounts management and the HR duties of the company. As the business grew, I left to welcome our second son. As my little boy grew older, allowing me some freedom again, I got busy with new artistic endeavors as well as event planning. For the next five years, I worked from home as a glass artist, attending regional shows, selling my work in galleries and hosting my own artisan events in my historic dairy barn.
As my boys became more independent, I felt the urge to go to work outside of the house again. I obtained a position in a locally owned retail consignment shop. After 6 months with this store, I was promoted to Store Manager and put in charge of all or the everyday operations of the store. In this position, I managed the store staff, which including scheduling employees as well as and staff review. I handled complete consignment process from intake to cash payouts as well as frequent web site updates. Closest to my heart, I created and managed handmade line of locally made artisan goods for store.
This management experience led me to realize that I was ready for a career again. While I loved the technical and problem solving aspects of my software programming career, I was always a bit lonely sitting in my cubicle. My favorite days were those when I went to meet with clients to learn about their businesses and design their software systems. I realized that whatever I was to do next, I had to combine my love of technology with my love of people.
Having had the advantage of 20 years between my first college experience and my second one, I have learned many things about life along the way. I have had the opportunity to experience many triumphs as well as some tragedies in our health care system.
About four years ago, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I was able to be by her side through the many diagnostic procedures, many treatment modalities and her subsequent recovery period. Chief among these procedures were many medical imaging procedures. (Quote my mom) Ultimately, we believe these impressive professionals contributed in a substantial way to saving my mom's life.
The following year, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Once again, I was able to bear witness to the life saving abilities of our medical imaging professionals. We are so thankful that my dad is alive and doing well today.
As a mom of two boys, I have had the pleasure to spend many hours at the local Urgent Care facility. One such visit began with a phone call. My boys were on their way home from the bus stop after school when the phone rang. It was a mom at the bus stop telling me my youngest had fallen in the road and had hurt his leg badly. Upon arriving at the scene, I found him hysterical in the back of a truck where he had been placed by another child's father who had been driving by. Stifling my own terror at seeing my child this way, I scooped him up, spoke some soothing words and rushed him to our house. Once we had pulled into our driveway, I was able to look at his wound and determine that it was a very deep laceration and would need medical attention. Acting as quickly as possible, I rushed into the house and grabbed three items: a roll of paper towels, a sucker and the children's ibuprofen. Back in the car, I gave him a dose of the medicine, the sucker and a large wad of paper towels to cover his knee. We live a ways from town and by the time we got to the medical center, my son was much calmer, though still bleeding profusely. The sucker and pain medicine proved to be just the trick for getting us through the next two hours at Urgent Care and the 10 stitches to my son's knee that followed. And the paper towels had done a fabulous job of keeping the copious blood from covering myself, my son and my car!
Other visits to Urgent Care were spent waiting for the services of the resident radiographer for my boys. Most notably was the week that each of my boys broke their arms in separate incidences! In every instance, I have come to greatly respect and admire the professional that were there to comfort and heal my family members.
In the 15 years that I have known my best friend, I have shared with her the experience of the loss of both of her parents to cancer. When our friendship was young, her mother experienced the return of a breast cancer in a metastasized form. A gallant 2 year battle fight sadly ended with her passing. As the family waged this war, I did my best to support and be there for them, spending many hours sitting in companionship in the hospital, providing and ear or a shoulder when needed, and meals when helpful.
Tragedy stuck my friend a second time when her father was diagnosed with melanoma during her mother's battle. After her mother's passing, there were more years spent caring for her father during his decline. Again, I did what I could to ease her burden, although my best efforts seemed but a needle in the haystack in addressing the grief created by her losses.
In the years since, we have both been active with the American Cancer Society's fund raising efforts. We have created glass art, jewelry and other items to be sold and auctioned to raise money for research. We participated for many years in the ACS's Relay for Life. Often my friend has had a team in her parent's honor. Always, we walked with thought in our minds for those still with us as well as those we have lost. In an effort to keep my friend from being so alone in the world, my family and I have embraced her as our own.
After reaching the decision that this noble field of health care was where I wanted to be, I took the plunge and returned to school a year ago. I jumped right into Anatomy & Physiology I, followed by A & P II & Microbiology. Although many things have changed in the world of biology since I first studied them at CU, I overcame the gap by reading more than what was required and working harder. I got myself up to speed and earned A's in all of my classes. This gave me confidence in the realization that I still am, as noted by my freshman Humanities teacher "A Natural Learner." I was proud at 17 when she wrote this about me, and I am no less proud now.
I am excited that the field of radiography offers lifelong learning experiences. It is absolutely my intention to continue my education in the field of radiography after my graduation. I may choose to continue on to field of mammography and join the proactive life saving efforts of this profession.
Repetition is sometimes effective, but in this case I think it is unnecessarily inefficient:
I am intelligent, I am highly motivated, I am tenacious and I am empathetic.
Maybe do this:
I am intelligent, highly motivated, tenacious, and empathetic.
Let's get rid of the 2nd as:
As the business grew, I left to welcome our second son. My little boy grew older, allowing me some freedom again, and I got busy...
battle fight (typo)
Hey, this is interesting and impressive! The way to make it better might be to include some brief references to the most recent developments in the field... some recent professional journal articles. I don't mean to have you write a whole para about articles, but if you simply mention a research study or two (no older than 5 years) it will add a considerable amount of "substance" to this... it is obviously not necessary, but it is an idea I had for you.
Contrary to popular belief, writing an outstanding admissions essay, whether an AMCAS essay or a college application essay, has little to do with the topic you choose. I've read essays about My Summer Vacation that have bombed - I've read essays about My Summer Vacation that have left me with tears of joy. To steal a cliché, it's not what you say; it's how you say it.
So, you've chosen to write your essay about the individual who has influenced you most - the late, great Michael Jackson. Should you start by describing MJ's childhood and progress through album after album, like a college level rockumentary?
Step 1. When writing an application essay capturing the reader's initial attention should be first and foremost on your mind.
Engaging a blurry-eyed admissions officer's interest is a difficult task, but it doesn't require Shakespearian talents. What it does need, though, is a unique approach. Here's how a typical introduction might read…
Michael Jackson came into this world from meager beginnings, only to persevere and rise up out of poverty to become the greatest Pop icon of the twentieth century.
This introduction isn't terrible, but it is terribly boring. This introduction to this essay has put the reader on into a daze and your essay has failed to capture her attention.
Now, here's an alternative essay introduction:
Dubadub Dah, Dubadub Dah, Dubadub Dah- I couldn't make out the words, but it didn't matter, syllables were strung together like Venetian blinds.
After reading that first sentence can you guess the topic of the essay? Don't have a clue? Well, that is the entire point. An admissions essay doesn't have to spell things out for the reader. You don't need a topic sentence or an executive summary like we are taught to do in school for research or term papers. An admissions essay is a different type of animal. Feed the reader something interesting and unique, and you have satisfied the first condition in how to write an admissions essay.
Once you've captured the reader's attention, how do you keep it?
Step 2. When writing an application essay, a reader's concentration is held by consistent and logical flow.
Consistent flow doesn't just mean from paragraph to paragraph, it means from idea to idea, from sentence to sentence. Every idea, every word, should not be sitting on its own little island, it should be part of an interconnected stream of words that take the reader on a smooth ride from point A to point B. Often overlooked, transitions are the easiest and most effective way to give your application essay that even feel. Here's an illustrative example of poor flow:
The songwriter showed his contempt for the audience with a shake of his white glove. Michael began to sing the first few notes his final song- Dangerous. His star quality was cemented.
Notice that these are three separate ideas. They are not tied to one another, and as a result, the paragraph does not flow, and the reader loses interest.
Here's an example of consistent and logical flow:
The songwriter showed his contempt for the audience with a shake of his white glove. Despite his irritation, Michael began to sing the first few notes of his final song- Dangerous. It was this ferocious conclusion that cemented his status as King of Pop.
Although the three sentences are still distinct ideas, transitional devices hold them together. Now, readability is increased, improving the likelihood that an admissions officer would continue further to your finale.
Once your reader finally approaches the end of their literary journey, just one task remains - you must craft a "Lasting Impression" Conclusion. For what good is your essay if nobody remembers it?